allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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