I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
