why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
