i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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