i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
All the doctor said was why
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
