I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
