I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
