My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.