I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
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You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate