Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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