The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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