Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I had to cum in my sink.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
