Don't make out with my wife yet
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
