Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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