I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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