Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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