just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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