i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize