i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize