When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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