got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
