Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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