my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
