btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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