No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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