It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
