the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
