That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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