My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize