I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
