My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
