Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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