Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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