i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
