I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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