and she was petting her beer can
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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