I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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