Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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