i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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