it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
