Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
