So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
