haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
