the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
