I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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