Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
