I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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