sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
