You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
