Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
