Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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