I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
