dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
