I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
