i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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